The truth is, I cannot be knocked over by sadness because I'm already down. I'm surrounded by the sadness...Trey's book bag still sits in it's after school spot. His shoes are perfectly lined up next to the front door. His jacket is still hanging in the closet. His bed is empty. I can't escape the reminders that my baby is gone and I'm not ready to move his things anyway.
I carry this sadness around like a blanket. I was a mother years before Trey came along and I will continue to be a mother, but for the past 4 years, I was also a caretaker. I knew every appointment, every prescription and dose. I can convert kilograms to pounds in my head. I knew blood pressures and temperatures and beats per minute. I could get every kid to every activity all while carrying my six year old on my hip. I could drive to the hospital with my eyes closed (don't worry, I didn't). I spent more time with Trey's nurses than I did socializing with friends. I find myself now unmoored, floating around, not quite sure what to do with all this "free" time I suddenly have. I definitely have things to do, but I don't feel like doing them...at least not right now
But, and this is important...
If sadness is my burden that I carry, then JOY is my strength.I can look at all our pictures (which is a lot!!) and be instantly transported to that moment, filled with happiness. There is no sense of sadness. We packed a lot of memories/activities/trips into Trey's 6 years! Joe and Bella amaze me with their strength and resilience! I am filled with mama pride! Jay and I support each other in every way! The love and support from our family and community is palpable...every card or gift or message is a treasure.
Why did God allow Trey to have cancer? Why did he survive so long with it when other kids do not? Why were we chosen to walk this journey? We may never fully know the answers on this side of heaven...and that's okay. It's not our job to know all these things...it would be too much for us to know. So I take comfort in knowing that God is in control and that He is good all the time.
In time, I will put down this blanket of sadness. But, the great news???
The JOY will still be here!It is my JOY to be the mother to 3 amazing children! So, don't worry about me...my sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.
But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. ~Psalm 5:11
The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. ~Psalm 19:8
You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, ~Psalm 30:11
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. ~Psalm 51:12
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. ~Psalm 94:19
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.~Psalm 126:5