Sunday, November 16, 2014

Joy is Forever, Sadness is Temporary

The other day, Jay asked me if I had had any "sledgehammer moments"...any moments of feeling suddenly overwhelmed by sadness.  I said no, and he gave me a concerned head tilt as if the obvious answer should be 'yes'.  I could have tried to explain, but sometimes words cannot get out of my head the way I want them to, so I'll start waving my hands and arms around as if I can magically stir the words into order.  Rather than try, I just stayed silent.

The truth is, I cannot be knocked over by sadness because I'm already down.  I'm surrounded by the sadness...Trey's book bag still sits in it's after school spot.  His shoes are perfectly lined up next to the front door.  His jacket is still hanging  in the closet.  His bed is empty.  I can't escape the reminders that my baby is gone and I'm not ready to move his things anyway.

I carry this sadness around like a blanket.  I was a mother years before Trey came along and I will continue to be a mother, but for the past 4 years, I was also a caretaker.  I knew every appointment, every prescription and dose.  I can convert kilograms to pounds in my head.  I knew blood pressures and temperatures and beats per minute.  I could get every kid to every activity all while carrying my six year old on my hip.  I could drive to the hospital with my eyes closed (don't worry, I didn't).  I spent more time with Trey's nurses than I did socializing with friends.  I find myself now unmoored, floating around, not quite sure what to do with all this "free" time I suddenly have.  I definitely have things to do, but I don't feel like doing least not right now

But, and this is important...
If sadness is my burden that I carry, then JOY is my strength.  
I can look at all our pictures (which is a lot!!) and be instantly transported to that moment, filled with happiness.  There is no sense of sadness.  We  packed a lot of memories/activities/trips into Trey's 6 years!  Joe and Bella amaze me with their strength and resilience!  I am filled with mama pride!  Jay and I support each other in every way!  The love and support from our family and community is palpable...every card or gift or message is a treasure.

Why did God allow Trey to have cancer?  Why did he survive so long with it when other kids do not?  Why were we chosen to walk this journey?  We may never fully know the answers on this side of heaven...and that's okay.  It's not our job to know all these would be too much for us to know.  So I take comfort in knowing that God is in control and that He is good all the time.

In time, I will put down this blanket of sadness.  But, the great news??? 
The JOY will still be here!  
It is my JOY to be the mother to 3 amazing children!  So, don't worry about sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you. ~Psalm 5:11

The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. ~Psalm 19:8

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, ~Psalm 30:11

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. ~Psalm 51:12

When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy. ~Psalm 94:19

Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.~Psalm 126:5

Sunday, July 27, 2014

I is for I Still Do!!!

Fifteen years ago, I stood in front of more than 100 friends and family to commit to forever with the love of my life!  Fifteen!!  How can that be possible?  Wasn't it just recently that I was getting shooed out of the mall for loitering?  We just went to that Vanilla Ice concert!  I still get can I be closer to 50 than I am to 21???  I can remember our wedding as if it were yesterday...the flowers, the singing, the babies (that are all grown up now!)

Fifteen years in and I still get little butterflies when I watch Jay coach volleyball.  I still find comfort in the sound of his car pulling up outside.  I look for him in crowded parties and always know when he's close by.  I instinctively put my hand in the crook of his arm when we're walking. He has already anticipated my move and his arm is ready.  It still feels new to introduce "My husband, Jay."  With a look across a room, we can speak volumes.

We absolutely did not know what we were saying 'I do' to fifteen years ago.  I did not think I would ever say things like, "No, you can't poop in your brother's pocket!".  Or, who knew we were saying 'I do' to a lifetime of home improvements??  Never ending laundry? 

Some things we've encountered would have torn apart a weaker bond.  But, we have drawn even closer to each other through difficult times, and we're better for it...together. Jay loves to teach couples (and I love to encourage him to teach other couples) how to be stronger together.  It's sounds so simple, but yet is so powerful.  We meet each others emotional needs.  Anyone can learn how to do it, too!  It's made us better spouses, better parents, and better friends. 

So, after all these years, I still do.
 July 24, 1999

July 4, 2014

Thursday, March 20, 2014

H is for HOLE

To be more precise, H is for the gaping hole in the ceiling of our entryway for the past few years.  Years, people!!  A few years ago, during a rainy season, Jay and I heard a drip, drip, driiiipppp and discovered that the ceiling was leaking a tremendous amount of water.  We had to tear down some seriously damaged chunks of the ceiling to assess the damage inside and let it dry out.  Jay fixed the roof...except not really.  After we did a poor patch job on the ceiling, it leaked...again!!  Jay fixed the roof, again...but, fo reelz this time.  But, to be safe, we left the hole there to really let it dry out and make sure it was done leaking.
Here's the funny part of the story...probably 9 out 10 people that came into our home never even saw the hole as they walked in.  If we pointed it out, well then, how could you NOT see it...I mean, the insulation, the metal beam, crumbling drywall...gorgeous!!

Over time, the patch-the-ceiling project moved down our list of things to do.  After all, I think I was the only one bothered by it and we had more important things to tend to.  A few people had volunteered to fix it on their time and dime, but life gets busy and it just didn't happen.  We were really close to getting the job done with the last volunteer, but it just couldn't come together.  But now I had a vision in my mind of having this job done.  So, I decided I would do it myself.  My brother-in-law lovingly told me that I couldn't do it myself...not in a condescending, you're a girl, kinda way. But, more like in a realistic, you've never hung dry wall before kinda way.  He was right, of course, but telling me I can't do something is pretty much the same as telling me to run and do it immediately.

As with any project that I take on, I become like the pig in the story If You Give a Pig a Pancake...if I'm going to fix the ceiling, then I'm going to want a new light fixture.  If I want a new fixture, I'm going to want to move it 2 feet to the left (or right depending on where you're standing).  If I'm adding a new fixture, the walls should get a fresh coat of paint.  If I paint the walls, I'm going to have to paint the baseboards and doors, too.  While I'm painting the closet door, I should fix the latch that prevents it from closing the whole way...and so on....

With the helpful advice of my father-in-law, I finished the project!!!  Hip hop hooray!!!  I love it so much!  It's like breathing new life into our home!!!  And I learned a bunch of new skills...using a drywall bit, wiring, using a reciprocating saw!!!  I love it all!

I added molding to cover the seam of the new dry wall.
See how the closet door is a wee bit open? Made me crazy!!!

I was laying on the floor looking up for this view point.  The smaller hole is where the old light fixture hung.
It's so clean...and the closet door shuts!!
 This project cost less than $50, by the way.  All I had to purchase was a sheet of drywall and 3 8' lengths of molding.  I had the light fixture, (and I pat myself on the back for knowing that it would hang lower than the original, Miami Vice looking, brass and beveled glass fixture that had been there and opening the front door would be problematic).  I also had the joint compound, water putty, primer and paint.  Done and done!!  What's going to be my next project???

Saturday, March 8, 2014

G is for Gratitude!!!

This past week has been quite a whirlwind in many ways, and the word that keeps coming to mind is GRATITUDE!! We are grateful to those who donated to our Trey's Trip to Disney fund.  Grateful to those who shared the link.  Grateful to those who read the link and said a quick prayer.  It is amazing and humbling to be surrounded by such a supportive community (that spans the globe).  I can't adequately put it to words, but it does this momma's heart good to experience the overwhelming good in this world.  I thank you and am grateful for you.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

"F" is for...

Well, "F" could be for a lot of things... Feelings, Faith, Fall, (Kids! Avert your eyes, quick!!) F*&% Cancer.  But, for today, I will use this "F" for Flashback.

Take a walk down memory lane with me since it is the season of all things pumpkin...

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

"E" is for....

Exciting news!!!  Trey is going to school!!!

Remember this post I wrote last year?  We had decided not to send Trey to preschool because we didn't know how the next month was going to pan out, let alone nine months for school.  Well, lo and behold, Trey has flourished in the clinical trial he has been in.  The medicine he gets weekly (through a medi-port in his chest) is supposed to prevent tumor growth, and so far, it has!  Praise God! 

All through the last school year, Trey and I would have a free form, casual, organic (i.e. I didn't know what I was doing so the lessons had no structure) homeschool lesson appropriate for his age.  We had a calendar time, worksheet time, coloring or activity...or maybe we would bake cookies or go to the library or play outside (totally counts).  

Right around the new year, it kinda dawned on me that Trey should be able to write at least his name if not all the letters.  I wasn't looking for calligraphy, but this kid couldn't write at all.  Yet, he knows every letter and sound, even sight words.  Long story short, Trey goes once a week to see a physical and occupational therapist.  Turns out, chemo can mess with your muscles...who knew?  And all of his abdominal surgeries have made sit ups almost impossible, but he's working hard on that six pack!

Which brings us right up to now.  Trey loves going to the kids' school to pick them up or for an event.  And, he's become aware that he wants to do that, too.  There was no way I was going to send him to full day kindergarten.  I'm not ready for that and neither is Trey!  So, we met with the preschool director where Joe and Bella attended.  We love this preschool, the teachers, etc.  They welcomed Trey with open arms for this school year.  So, every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Trey will be at school for 2 1/2 hours!!  My baby!  He will be the oldest in the class, but I don't care and he won't know.

We know that all this could change in the blink of an eye.  Trey still has to have scans every 3 months (the next one is in October) and his cancer could grow at any time.  We continue to stand on the edge of a cliff not knowing which way the wind will blow.  But!  We have TODAY

We will rejoice TODAY!  Trey is the healthiest sick kid around.  He is not symptomatic.  He is not bed ridden.  He's a wild, 5 year old, excited to go to school and carry a big backpack!!  If I were to keep Trey here with me (which is so very tempting) and prevent him from having this experience, it would be like telling God that what He has blessed us with is not enough.  Trey needs to go out and show the world that God has kept him strong and this Momma needs to let him.

Do you think it would be okay if I just stood in the parking lot the whole time he's there?  Just kidding!  I'm going to take a nap!  Ha!  Gotcha again!  I have some plans for the time all three kids will be in school...we'll see how that goes.

Thursday, August 1, 2013

"D" is for Delighted!

Well, color me tickled...errrr, delighted!!  (I'm totally twisting this to fit my alphabet list of blog posts)

My friend, Katy, has included lil' ol' me in her list of nominees for a Liebster award.  What the what???  First of all, how Katy finds time to blog, let alone recognize other bloggers is impressive to me.  Katy is a full time mom, wife and writer (and knitter, volunteer, friend...not in that particular order).  Her blog is honest, raw, vulnerable and funny all at the same time.  She'd be a perfect guest blogger for Courtney's Show Your Real series.  Katy has some real and is not afraid to show it.

Secondly, what's a Liebster??  Oh, it's a thing, people!  A Liebster award is a way to give recognition to other small bloggers (200 or fewer followers).

So, thank you to Katy for the recognition!  I wish I blogged more often, but it still feels good to have a friend give ya a pat on the back.
When you’re nominated for a Liebster, here’s what you do:
1.    Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog.
2.    Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.
3.    Answer the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees.
4.    Display the Liebster Award logo.
5.    No tag backs, meaning you can’t just re-nominate the person who nominated you.

Here are the 11 questions I was given:
1. What sort of milk do you prefer to drink?  Ummmm, I do not drink any milk ever...not cow, coconut or almond kinds.  If I had to, I would pick 2% for cereal purposes only...or baking.  You use milk for baking, right?
2. Do you prefer baths or showers and why?  Showers, absolutely!  I hate baths!  I feel like I'm sitting in a pool of my own filth in a tub. Or worse, someone else's filth.  Plus, I'd have to stand up, turn the shower on to wash my hair...I'm too lazy for all that.
3.  What percentage cocoa do you prefer your chocolate to contain?  Ummm, I had to read this a few times to understand it.  Never have I ever paid a lick of attention to percentage of chocolate.  So, my answer is, however much is in a Caramello Bar.
4. What is your about-to-begin-the-workday ritual?  Since my job is a full time Momma and every day is different, coffee is really my only ritual.  Oh yeah, and feeding children, getting them dressed etc.  If we have to be somewhere, I'll use the time they are eating to get myself put together.
5. Describe your perfect lunch meal.  The perfect lunch is one that someone else has prepared.
6. What are your thoughts on flavored dental floss?  I'm not against flavored floss (I heart cinnamon), but someone that I live with, possibly married to, has very specific requirements for his floss.  Jay...Mr. Mitlo...rats!  That guy I'm married to cannot have any type that shreds or conflicts with other flavors or makes a noise.  Since he's the more dedicated flosser, he gets to pick the brand.
7.  What is the most important thing about a dwelling? (Bonus: does your dwelling succeed at this thing?)  The most important thing about a dwelling to me is that it feels safe.  Not so much from a security stand point, though that's important, but I mean that someone could come into our home and feel free to be comfortable, share thoughts and feelings, feel like they have been cared for.  Our children sleep in peace, without fear, talk openly with us, and we always look forward to coming home after having been gone.  So, yes, I think our house succeeds in this.
8. Do you really untie your shoes before you remove them? Every time?  Never.
9. What is your goal in blogging?  I think my goal for blogging now is to get memories/thoughts/stories/snippets of time out of my head and somewhere permanent. At one time, I would have said my goal was to inspire and challenge (and maybe impress), but then real life came down hard and I can't seem to find the right words ever to encompass all that.  So, I'm fine with sharing anecdotes.
10. What part(s) of your current life is/are the way you imagined when you were in middle school?  Exactly zero parts.  I was a bad kid, a bully really, and couldn't see past to the end of a day, let alone years ahead.  My days were consumed with trying to figure out how to be a bad ass.  (Hint:  If you have to think about it, you're not)  I guess if I look back and think real hard I maybe wanted to live in a big city and be a news anchor. Instead, I've lived in exactly 2 houses, both planted squarely in suburbs, and am a SAHM.  It's a close call, really.
11. What would you say to your young self if you encountered her on her first day of college?  I would say, "Hang in there, kid.  Things are going to unfold in ways that you can't imagine.  Quit trying to control everything, for cryin' in a bucket!  Remember, "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  (Jeremiah 29:11)"

So, now for my nominees.  This was interesting to me because I realized how few blogs I read regularly.   Katy's being one of them and I can't tag her back!  Almost all the blogs that I follow are written by real life friends.  Some of them may have more than 200 followers.   After all, some of them may have been featured in a major magazine!  Please take no offense to my nomination...just have fun with it!

2. She's a Crafty Pumpkin
3. agentorange
4. Happy and Co.
5. Just a Glimpse...

That's my list...I can add to it once other bloggers get blogging and update their blogs.  Blog.

My 11 questions for my nominees are:
1. In what type of car did you take your drivers test? (and, did you pass the first time?)
2. Where would like to spend your retirement years?  Hometown? Exotic location?
3. What's your favorite vacation memory?
4. Who was your favorite teacher (any level of education)?
5. What's your least favorite household chore and why?
6. If you could go back to high school, would you do things the same or vastly different?
7. What sports did you play?
8. What's your beverage of choice?  Pop, tea, coffee?
9. Music or talk radio?
10. How many shows are saved on your DVR right now? (or Netflix queue or whatever space age contraption you use)
11. What's one movie that you have to stop and watch if you see it while scrolling through?