Tuesday, July 14, 2009

This Is For The Birds...

This entire post is pointless. Except that I want to whine and share how easily I get flustered.

This morning Bella woke up wanting to do something special for lunch. By special, she meant going to the McDonald's with a play area. We're big time around here, people, we spare no expense. Great! Let's go to lunch kids. We bypassed the McD's that's less than 1/2 of a mile from our house in favor of one a little further because the last 2 times (TWO TIMES!!!) we've been to that McD's there has been a huge pile of PUKE on the ground in the play area. The most recent time, the heaving culprit was still there. His mom thought that moving over one table and not telling the manager would make it magically disappear. It didn't. Nice.

All that to say that Trey's nap time today got thrown outta whack. He refused to fall asleep when we got home and in turn decided that screaming his fool head off would be a better alternative. I disagreed, but apparently lost that argument as we all trucked down to the living room to play. After awhile, I sent Joe and Bella outside to play in the sandbox while I attempted to put Trey back down for a rest. His crying and their complaining had me a little edgy, but nothing to worry about.

This is where the flustered part kicks in....thanks for waiting. When I came back downstairs here's the conversation I had with Bella through the window.

Me: Hey Bella! Are you guys okay?
B: Yeah...I'm just talking to this bird. (My heart starts beating a little faster....)
Me: WHAT BIRD??? (I hate birds, they freak me out with all the wing flapping and feathers. I'm pretty sure that any bird that can talk has the Devil living in it.)
B: The bird in the pond. (Oh Lord! Visions of Bella poking a dead bird with a stick are racing through my mind.)
Me: Ummmm, Bella, is the bird sleeping?
B: No, Mommy. He's talking to me....see?
Me: I'll be right down...get away from the pond!!!!

I race outside, and sure enough there is a poor bird(I don't know what kind...sparrow, crow, carrier pigeon???) floating in the pond trying to keep his head up. His little beak was opening and closing silently, though I swear I heard "Help me" a few times. It was kinda sad....not sad enough for me to try to help. Now, I'm flustered. I can't just leave the bird in the pond, but surely I can't remove him either. So, I lock the kids into the screened in porch in an effort to protect them in case the dying bird catches a second wind and seeks vengeance. I did not take them into the house with me because they were covered in sand and in a split second decision the porch won out over a sandy basement.

I immediately called my father-in-law, Poppi. He's my go to guy on all things that go wrong or things I just don't want to deal with concerning the house. He's quite used to phone calls that sound something like this...."Poppi, I may have broken a pipe...." or "Poppi, there is a family of mice that need evicted from under the dryer." or "Poppi, is water supposed to be coming through the ceiling?" Here's today's conversation...

Poppi: Hey there! Whadya want?
Me: Poppi! There's a half dead bird in the pond and it's looking at me and I can't get it out because it might flap it's wings!......Are you laughing at me?
P: Yes.
Me: Ugh! Just get over here!

Fortunately the wind was blowing my way because Poppi arrived right away! Unfortunately, the bird was no longer trying to keep his head up when we trekked to the back yard. Poppi scooped him out and put him next to the pond thinking that the bird might "come to" and be able to be saved! Man! Now I have to watch the obviously dead bird out the corner of my eye in case it comes back to life! This is getting worse. Poppi decides that the plants in the pond need to be trimmed back and he needs my help to pull them out. Well, I liken the smell of the pond water to the scene in Shawshank Redemption when Andy DuFrane is crawling through 500 yards of sewage pipe. Yuck! THEN, he sticks the hose in the pond to fill it a little, but when he turns on the hose there's a kink in it, so when the water does come shooting out, the end of the hose in the pond flies out causing me to jump in fright and hit myself in the head with the shovel I'm holding. Yeesh!

After Poppi disposed of the dead bird, I started dinner. We always eat at 6:00. So, I was surprised when I took the chicken out of the oven at 5:58 and it was not nearly done. I'm mean not even like maybe if I dim the lights no one will notice the pink tint, but raw! My fluster factor just went up! My husband has no dinner! I threw nuggets in for the kids, but nothing for Jay! Just rice and green beans. Good thing is that on Tuesday nights, friends come over to watch pointless T.V. and eat wings and veggies, etc. Bad thing is when I took the chicken back out of the oven later, I did burn myself.

Is it bedtime yet?


Happy said...

I am so sorry you obviously have had a very traumatic day, but I for one am laughing out loud and with great gusto at your poor expense. Seriously, peed my pants.

Just for fun one day will you make a list of all the things that freak you out...b/c I'm starting to keep track...let's see, mall pedophiles, dental hygentists, birds, and what else am I missing?? I'll have to look back at older posts.

This was the funniest post I've seen since Crafty's boys spilled all that oatmeal all over the place!

However, I do hope (sincerely) that tomorrow is a new day lacking in wing flapping birds and a day that produces well napped children and well-done dinners.

Really, I do...but if not, please blog about it.

Melissa823 said...

Holy Cow Rachel! What a day!

Rachel said...

*editor's note*

I realized after posting this that I made it sound as though Jay is not my go to guy....when in fact he is. However, these events...like a bird getting stuck to a sticky rat trap right outside the front door, and the basement ceiling caving in because the dishwasher has leaked through the floor...all seem to happen when Jay is either out of town, in a meeting, or too far away to arrive quickly. Poppi, on the other hand, is usually right near by in my sister-in-laws garden putzing around. He's generally looking for something to do anyway and likes to be needed. In some cases, I will even ask our friendly neighbor, John, for help concerning things like overgrown trees, cat families, groundhogs and vagabonds. So, rest assured that Jay definitely does his fair share of house maintenance and cleaning up after the messes I create!

Courtney said...

how did you not mention any of this yesterday? Hilarious. I share your sentiments about birds. ugh.